There is something about Indians. One can smell out an Indian by a mile. Nothing derogatory in it though. Hello, even I’m an Indian (never mind the title of my last post)! But there are a few ways in which one can recognize an Indian. Seen the other way round, there are a few commandments every Indian must follow, for easy recognition:
# The First Commandment: Thy house shall always smell of Masala Curry. The smell of thy Masala Curry shall cling to the curtains, sofas and every piece of furniture and furnishing available in thy house. And it does not matter which room freshener thou shall use, thy room freshener shall always carry an underlying smell of the Great Indian Masala Curry.
# The Second Commandment: Thou shall not shy away from peeing away to glory in public. From railway stations to street corners, bus-stops to road-side trees, thy sole motive in life shall be to irrigate the land thou shall walk on.
# The Third Commandment: (For men-folk only) When using public toilets (which in compliance with the previous commandment shall be a rare occasion), thou shall never get thy aim right. Reminiscences of thy last business shall always remain.
# The Fourth Commandment: Thou shall believe in sharing, even if it means sharing thy diseases and infections, because of which thou shall never ever cover your mouth while sneezing and/ or coughing in public.
# The Fifth Commandment: Thou shall always hang your laundry to dry on your window. It does not matter which article of clothing needs drying, from holey undergarments and petticoats to shirts and dog-clothes, everything shall be hung on your window for the world to catch a glimpse of.
# The Sixth Commandment: Thou shall always be more interested in knowing the nitty-gritty’s of thy neighbour’s house than thy own. Thou shall always be ready to dig dirt on thy neighbour. Common issues that thou shall always be interested in shall include: thy neighbour’s sex life, thy neighbour’s food habits, the number of holes in thy neighbour’s undergarments and the treatment meted out to the omnipresent ‘bai’ by thy neighbour.
# The Seventh Commandment: (For women-folk only) No matter how wide thy friend circle be, thy best friend shall always be thy ‘bai’. Without the presence of the latter, the chances of the former commandment getting actualized seem dim.
# The Eighth Commandment: Thou shall always consider half the animals as magic and/ or sacred, but yet, thou shall never shy away from eating the magical and/ or sacred animal at the first opportunity thou shall get.
# The Ninth Commandment: When talking on thy mobile phone, thou shall be loud enough to stir the souls of the bodies resting in their graves in the nearest grave yard. When in office, thy voice shall be loud enough to scare the daylights out of thy colleagues.
# The Tenth Commandment: Thou shall take pride in breaking all existing traffic rules. Thou shall take great pride in creating your own traffic rules. Thou shall take greater pride in giving the traffic cop a royal ignore. And, thou shall take the greatest pride in running over the poor traffic cop!
# The Eleventh Commandment: It does not matter what time of the day it be; thou shall always be ready for food. Gol gappas/ Puchkaas/ Paani batashas, Chaat, Samosas, Kachori etc, do not require any specific time to be consumed. Thou shall fill yourself with them any time you like, and still be ready for more. Bring it on!
# The Twelfth Commandment: Thou shall be obsessed with films and cricket. Thou shall treat Sachin and Rajnikant as Gods. And thou shall not shy away from performing a cremation ceremony of thy cricket team if it fails to perform in an International match. Yet, thou shall not know any rule of the mentioned game beyond a four, a six and an out.
# The Thirteenth Commandment: The first name thy kid(s) learn shall be of Shah Rukh Khan and Sachin Tendulkar. Father’s name and mother’s name can be learnt later.
# The Fourteenth Commandment: Thou shall celebrate any event or any occasion where India gets even remotely mentioned. It does not matter how good or how bad the mention be; the country still got mentioned. Hence, thou shall rejoice if thou catches a fleeting glimpse of Aamir Khan’s sherwani at the Academy Awards; thou shall feel proud if Angelina Jolie wishes to adopt an Indian child (because guess what, India can’t feed her poor); thou shall give a standing ovation to Slumdog Millionaire (even if it depicts India in a poor light); thou shall hold your head high if an Indian gets to play the role of a lift-boy in a Hollywood film; thou shall be elated if India ranks number 1 in the list of the most populous nations (So what? Oye, number 1 rank, oye, balle balle!) and thou shall treat Shilpa Shetty as a goddess because she lived in a comfortable five-star kind of house in London and faced some racial discrimination (but thou shall never bother to look back home and react against the regional discrimination).
# The Fifteenth Commandment: Thou shall forever be a gnawing cow. Thou shall always have either of the following in thy mouth: paan, paan masala, tobacco, betel nut, chewing gum (the last one shall be found only in the mouths of really classy audience, like the readers of this blog!).
And after following all these commandments, if someone sneers at thee, thou shall always be ready to take offence and burn effigies of the person who dared to sneer at thee.
# The First Commandment: Thy house shall always smell of Masala Curry. The smell of thy Masala Curry shall cling to the curtains, sofas and every piece of furniture and furnishing available in thy house. And it does not matter which room freshener thou shall use, thy room freshener shall always carry an underlying smell of the Great Indian Masala Curry.
# The Second Commandment: Thou shall not shy away from peeing away to glory in public. From railway stations to street corners, bus-stops to road-side trees, thy sole motive in life shall be to irrigate the land thou shall walk on.
# The Third Commandment: (For men-folk only) When using public toilets (which in compliance with the previous commandment shall be a rare occasion), thou shall never get thy aim right. Reminiscences of thy last business shall always remain.
# The Fourth Commandment: Thou shall believe in sharing, even if it means sharing thy diseases and infections, because of which thou shall never ever cover your mouth while sneezing and/ or coughing in public.
# The Fifth Commandment: Thou shall always hang your laundry to dry on your window. It does not matter which article of clothing needs drying, from holey undergarments and petticoats to shirts and dog-clothes, everything shall be hung on your window for the world to catch a glimpse of.
# The Sixth Commandment: Thou shall always be more interested in knowing the nitty-gritty’s of thy neighbour’s house than thy own. Thou shall always be ready to dig dirt on thy neighbour. Common issues that thou shall always be interested in shall include: thy neighbour’s sex life, thy neighbour’s food habits, the number of holes in thy neighbour’s undergarments and the treatment meted out to the omnipresent ‘bai’ by thy neighbour.
# The Seventh Commandment: (For women-folk only) No matter how wide thy friend circle be, thy best friend shall always be thy ‘bai’. Without the presence of the latter, the chances of the former commandment getting actualized seem dim.
# The Eighth Commandment: Thou shall always consider half the animals as magic and/ or sacred, but yet, thou shall never shy away from eating the magical and/ or sacred animal at the first opportunity thou shall get.
# The Ninth Commandment: When talking on thy mobile phone, thou shall be loud enough to stir the souls of the bodies resting in their graves in the nearest grave yard. When in office, thy voice shall be loud enough to scare the daylights out of thy colleagues.
# The Tenth Commandment: Thou shall take pride in breaking all existing traffic rules. Thou shall take great pride in creating your own traffic rules. Thou shall take greater pride in giving the traffic cop a royal ignore. And, thou shall take the greatest pride in running over the poor traffic cop!
# The Eleventh Commandment: It does not matter what time of the day it be; thou shall always be ready for food. Gol gappas/ Puchkaas/ Paani batashas, Chaat, Samosas, Kachori etc, do not require any specific time to be consumed. Thou shall fill yourself with them any time you like, and still be ready for more. Bring it on!
# The Twelfth Commandment: Thou shall be obsessed with films and cricket. Thou shall treat Sachin and Rajnikant as Gods. And thou shall not shy away from performing a cremation ceremony of thy cricket team if it fails to perform in an International match. Yet, thou shall not know any rule of the mentioned game beyond a four, a six and an out.
# The Thirteenth Commandment: The first name thy kid(s) learn shall be of Shah Rukh Khan and Sachin Tendulkar. Father’s name and mother’s name can be learnt later.
# The Fourteenth Commandment: Thou shall celebrate any event or any occasion where India gets even remotely mentioned. It does not matter how good or how bad the mention be; the country still got mentioned. Hence, thou shall rejoice if thou catches a fleeting glimpse of Aamir Khan’s sherwani at the Academy Awards; thou shall feel proud if Angelina Jolie wishes to adopt an Indian child (because guess what, India can’t feed her poor); thou shall give a standing ovation to Slumdog Millionaire (even if it depicts India in a poor light); thou shall hold your head high if an Indian gets to play the role of a lift-boy in a Hollywood film; thou shall be elated if India ranks number 1 in the list of the most populous nations (So what? Oye, number 1 rank, oye, balle balle!) and thou shall treat Shilpa Shetty as a goddess because she lived in a comfortable five-star kind of house in London and faced some racial discrimination (but thou shall never bother to look back home and react against the regional discrimination).
# The Fifteenth Commandment: Thou shall forever be a gnawing cow. Thou shall always have either of the following in thy mouth: paan, paan masala, tobacco, betel nut, chewing gum (the last one shall be found only in the mouths of really classy audience, like the readers of this blog!).
And after following all these commandments, if someone sneers at thee, thou shall always be ready to take offence and burn effigies of the person who dared to sneer at thee.
2 comments:
i Like your 13 Commandments :)
Raj must say Mumbai has unleashed the tiger inside of u. I've always loved the way u write, a thrill to read those commandments one better than the next ;)
Damn right proud to be an Indian, i am! Boy..i was laughing my **** off through each word! Sheesh..Hilarious but so true....Good stuff Anshul...keep writing more... I am craving for more Anshul-isms...:-)
LOVE THOU!
XOXO
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